How not to get published

A handy guide from your friendly neighborhood editor on how to make sure your story never sees the light of day.

1. Send me a press release in all caps.
2. Pitch it using the phrase “I think people would really appreciate hearing some good news, for once.”
3. Come to the office in person and start our conversation with, “Are you the editor??”
4. Come to the office in person and look me up and down two or three times before beginning to speak to me.
5. Send me an email that begins, “Dear sir,”
6. Bypass me entirely and talk to a six-foot male reporter instead, presuming he must be The Editor.
7. Take more than three minutes to explain your idea.
8. Refuse to identify yourself, or identify yourself but remind me every three sentences that your name is NOT to be mentioned in print.
9. Explain to me at length how the local government is out to get you.
10. Ask me where I go to church.
11. Hand me explanatory pamphlets educating me on your religious choices.
12. Presume that I agree with your religious or political views.
13. Ask me when we started running this… this… LIBERAL COLUMNIST! (Bonus points if you look at me as if I’ve stabbed you in the heart by doing so.)
14. Start sentences with, “Now, we’re not a racially based organization…” and, “This is not to say I have anything against the Mexicans…”
15. Call me three times before even sending the press release, just to make sure that you can send the press release.
16. Keep me on the phone for more than six minutes.
17. Start your pitch, “How much will it cost to do a story on…”
18. Ask me why I never run letters to the editor, then glare at me suspiciously when I explain that we receive maybe one letter a month and ask if you’ve written any lately.
19. Tell me all about how you studied journalism in school, once. (Bonus points if you feel this qualifies you to tell me How I’m Doing It All Wrong.)
20. Refuse to believe that the newspaper is not a branch of the local government. And not see why I’m having to hold back my laughter as I say, “No, ma’am; that would make us North Korea.”